I stood there listening to the sound of my own voice whaling. It was an observation from a momentary out of body experience. The sounds of pain, sadness and loss were coursing through my being and out my mouth along with the expressing of my heaving surrendered frame.
This was my first moment of allowing myself to melt into a pile of much needed release. My father had died. He was gone from this earth in the physical form. No longer tangible, no sound I could readily hear. There would never be an opportunity to speak with him again via telephone, receive or send a card. There would be no visits. I would never feel his hugs and hear his encouraging words in real-time again.
I would need to make sure the imprinted vision of his face, his lines, his smile, his teeth, his voice, his smell, his hugs, his laugh, his humor, his knowledge, and his words, his creative and expanded thinking would stay etched at the forefront to be called upon when I needed it.
Blessed am I that he’s present in my dreams, my words, my thoughts, nature, funny moments, dot connecting on a spiritual journey, the pictures that hang on my wall, my cells, my DNA and memories. I am grateful to continue reopening my heart, a soft heart, a heart that has not shut down or is numb. I am not jaded by life. I am more present and clear and compassionate and understanding and forgiving than ever. This has been a process.
My father died almost 8 years ago and reliving that exact moment described above is still just as potent as the day it took place. It’s a precious memory of knowing I was so very alive. His departure was a catalyst for some of the biggest and necessary changes in my life.
I have only cried in this surreal dream-like world one other time in my life thus far that was so very difficult to let go and that was when my son was leaving for an overseas GAP year.
So much LOVE to everyone who experiences loss of any kind. May you keep your heart open. Look around you for signs, synchronicity, and allow your support tribe to nourish you while you are in the deepest and darkest parts of the valley.
Cherish and be Cherished.Julie