My Personal Intermission: A Melting Pot of Introspect
I like to call where I’m at in life, this deep healing facilitator of sorts and questioning of life, an intermission as I put most of my active engaging life on hold so I can revert inward and do some clean up on my innerverse. I do reach out here and there when I need a little human contact so as to not go completely nuts.
Every so often, I like to review who I am, specifically happening right now at this juncture in the illusional time constraints allotted. I like to think of myself as a bird, living in my personal tree, and still being able to see the world around me as is, for what it is, while I tell myself I am safe to watch and observe human nature, the human condition and myself in the equation of all that exists.
Looking at where I have been, where I am now, where I could be headed, I’ve temporarily docked myself to liking the darker side of my thoughts about the world and have found them comforting and frightening all at the same time, as if I know the outcome already and am just reminding myself of what’s imminent. The other part of me is forever positive and peaceful with my naked feet walking this earth, knowing my spirit guides and ancestors walk with me, behind me and lead the way and moving forward with infinite cheer. There’s been such a duality of self and tearing away of layers and root digging and clutching and letting go and rebirthing and suffocating and release and more rebirthing and discovery and joyful connections and laughing and crying and talking to myself and talking with myself and talking with friends and listening to my little inner guide and talking with mother nature and walking with her supportive fertile ground, while she asks me to move forward with this awareness and extra care and extra love.
It’s been a busy and productive time with growth spurts of watching life unfold, refold anew and healing. Sometimes this is observation of the lives around me and other times it’s solely my own existence. What is this healing? This healing for me is about love.Love of self. Love of others. Love of existence no matter the outerverse conditions. Loving this soul filled physical experience through whatever i’ve accumulated from the moment I signed up for this journey. Loving all aspects of myself and letting them just be until I would like them to look differently. Loving the whole entire road I’ve been on since forever to grow this souls evolution. To question is this theory of souls evolution bullshit or are all the experiences I’ve had showing me the truth of the why’s? The truth of the hows? The truth of all the what the fucks that cross my heart and mind. I’ve allowed myself to be an absolute observer which sometimes brings up feelings of missing out or longing but I just let those feelings go by and do not feel upset by them. They are just passing, floating, they are brief and telling and temporary.
I feel like we have times in our lives when we are more participatory than observers and I feel confident that that aspect will reemerge, however, for now, I’m ok in the trenches of hibernation of observation. I can manage a little darkness, a little depression while weeding out and going through the mud and muck of soul debris and collected other that is no longer useful, a little wondering of the whys and the shedding of self and yet still moving towards self improvement. In some moments I am very uncomfortable here and in others too comfortable. I won’t live here though. I most definitely feel it’s a necessary place to sit for a little while. I’m on my way out, slowly. I’m not in a rush. I’ve been here for quite sometime, perhaps a year or so. I get to know myself the best in this place and I allow myself to free myself from this space when I am ready. I like the work. I like dot connecting. If souls growth is why we are here, i’d like to get the most meaningful and productive growth I can from this life. I don’t know what my next moment or life will look like or if there is a next because even with all my spirit-filled experiences, I cannot say they would carry over to the next life or that the next life even exists or the next moment. I only have this very moment. This literal moment of right now.
So, this intermission from the outwardly engaged participant, to be the observer for this melting pot of insight and introspect, is all good. I feel a sense of gratitude to be afforded the awareness and opportunity to reflect with love in my heart, with a little a depression in tow for now, with everything that makes up this amazing school of life and really, what an amazing view. Maybe you relate, maybe you don’t. Maybe you’ve already been here and know you’ll be here again or won’t be here again. Perhaps there is no need to be such an observer, for if you want different and introspective behavior outwardly, letting go of what no longer is, and acting how you’d like to be presently really is the best way of just being. Of course I wouldn’t of arrived here without taking my personal intermission, so for me, it’s a just a part of the ride.
Be Present. Be Kind. Be love.